Thursday, 23 April 2015

A realisation

I'm working too much right now but definitely not on the right things.

This is an age old problem of mine. At University I spent more hours working in my part time job than I did on my University work. Then, over the Christmas period I supplemented that with another one or two jobs, none of which were particularly related to my degree or any future career I might have fancied. I like to be kept busy and, more specifically, to be kept busy in ways that are easy to me. I turn up, clock in, the day whiles away and my brain is occupied and relatively free of the overthinking that goes on in there the majority of the time.

I'm at the beginning of the career that I've been chasing for a while and rather than accepting a little less income and taking a day during the week to look for the next project, attend networking events or do anything productive that might actually help me to get where I'm going, instead I'm working long hours in a job that was meant to be supplemental income for me. It was meant to be flexible and no stress so that I could top up the income from my main job. Now I find myself working six day weeks and long shifts.

I could pretend that this has happened because I can't say no to people who were helpful to me when I needed them. I could pretend that it's because I feel bad about leaving the team a member short but I'd be lying to you and to myself. Really I know that this is my problem. It's always been my problem. I avoid hard work by working.

It's easy to procrastinate and push things to the back of the list when you're working six days a week, so the really productive stuff, the stuff that would be the foundation blocks for my career as a researcher, that all gets pushed to the back and I justify it by telling myself that at least I was out there working, earning money and not just sitting reading or watching television.

Actually, perhaps a day a week of reading would give me an idea for a Phd proposal, or help me make an important connection with regards to the work I'm doing right now.

Perhaps I could work on getting my dissertation written up for publication so that the next time I apply for a research post I don't have to skip that desirable criteria and feel so annoyed at myself that I never got round to doing it.

Perhaps I could blog more and also develop my writing for other mediums.

Perhaps I could spend more time connecting with other people working in the same field as me. I could attend lectures or talks about things that I'm really interested in.

Perhaps I could actually show some fucking passion for something instead of scraping by and complaining that I never catch a break, that I work so hard and nothing ever comes from it.

Perhaps I could realise that earning money and working aren't necessarily the same thing.

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