Thursday, 5 February 2015

Fast February

January was a month of clock watching. A month where the pressure of so much unfilled time weighed heavily on my shoulders. I always assume that I'm desperate for more time but when gifted it, the pressure to do something significant with it is too overwhelming and I mostly feel regretful about failing to spend it wisely.

February is only four days old and already, most of its hours are accounted for. February is a diary filled with notes and obligations. It is a month of working six or seven days a week, of travelling to visit friends and of fulfilling exciting blog related opportunities. This fast February is the perfect antidote to my slow January. It's not sustainable long term to push myself so hard but I need this month to be tough to give me a good kick up the backside. I'm excited about it. Feel free to redirect me to this blog post on the 28th of February when I'm complaining about not having had time to eat/sleep/exercise/breathe etcetera.  

I feel this month, the same way that I did in January of last year. That is, I feel buoyed with excitement about so, so many plans. I like plans. They're kind of my thing. I'm also excited because of the aforementioned blog related stuff which is happening this weekend. I won't give it away just yet but I've been invited to take part in something which is just so up my street it's unreal.

Deciding whether or not to keep blogging is something that I've been mulling over for a while. It's hard to keep writing and putting myself out there, especially when growth is slow. I've started to wonder if anyone likes what I write, if I'm delusional in thinking that I'm not completely terrible at this and if maybe I should just call it a day and stop annoying everyone on Twitter (probably yes). Approximately 10,000 times over the past thirteen months I've thought about just stopping. If I was going to do so though, I would have gone down in a blaze of glory after the twelfth challenge (I mean, it was a little bit glorious, right?). So it looks like you're stuck with me.

There's not a particularly strong reason why I keep going other than that I like it. I likes it so I does it. Even if nobody reads it, I feel proud of myself for producing something (however small and insignificant) and for exercising a muscle that it would be much easier for me to allow to lie dormant.

Every time I get really close to quitting, something happens which reaffirms my faith and tells me just to keep plugging away. I'll read a comment which is so thoughtful and considered that it reminds me that even if people aren't reading and commenting in their droves, those who are doing so are awesome. On one occasion I discovered that I'd been nominated for an Edinblogger award. It completely surprised me and reminded me that those page views I notice on my blogger home page aren't just numbers, but they're people reading and (seemingly) enjoying what goes on here. Other times, I've been overawed to notice a stream of traffic from a website and realise that I've made it onto someone's blog roll or been mentioned in an article about the best fitness bloggers in Edinburgh.

These things all make me loathe to stop blogging but those accolades are few and far between and so largely I post to an overwhelming sound of silence and assume that it's only me and my Mum reading my meandering posts. Actually I think even my Mum has stopped reading. Mummy?

During the dry spells self-doubt inevitably creeps in and I get close to calling it a day. That's exactly how I was feeling last week when I checked my email inbox and on two separate occasions found emails asking me to take part in something so relevant to my blog that I actually felt a little gobsmacked. How the frig did these people find me? Is this real life (or is this just fantasy!? - Sorry, couldn't help myself)

I didn't start this blog with hopes of receiving such opportunities. I started it to raise money for charity and to practice writing, which was something that I humoured myself I might be vaguely competent at. That someone got in touch with me about this, without my having to go out looking for it, is beyond my comprehension and I feel so grateful and excited. I think it means so much to me right now because it's just a timely reminder that showing up consistently is worth it, even when it's quiet and you think you're doing a shitty job. It has reminded me that putting a bit of effort into something will eventually attract opportunities that I'll be excited about. Finally, those emails reaffirmed to me that everything arises in small, baby steps. I really needed to be reminded of that right now.

I suppose what I'm saying, in my typical long-winded fashion, is this;

If you read what I write - thank you.
If you ever comment on what I write - thank you.
If you nominated me for the Edinblogger award - thank you.
If you've ever written about me - thank you.
If you've ever taken the time to email to ask me to get involved in something - thank you.

Just thank you.

2 comments:

  1. Please don't stop blogging - I always love reading your posts (even if I am a bit rubbish at actually commenting most of the time!). Very intrigued about this opportunity - can't wait to find out what it is!

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    Replies
    1. Ha thanks Kirsty! I'm the same - I read and enjoy a lot of blogs (yours included) and never leave a comment. It's hard to write a post like this without looking like I'm fishing for compliments, and I'm not really, I guess sometimes I just like to remind myself that I dont need to be concerned with how many people are reading and instead just keep doing what I enjoy. If that makes sense!?
      Ah - I'm excited to tell you! I'm doing it this weekend so will all be revealed soon.

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