Sunday, 7 December 2014

On Energy and Value





Image - Milky Way by Mihoko Ogaki found here

I don't think I could ever be described as 'relaxed'. I'm a knotty mess of frantic energy.

It shows itself in different ways. For example, I've always been an early riser. The concept of a long - lie was alien to me until I met Ryan who would sleep in until lunchtime (and sometimes beyond). In our early days of dating he would wake in the morning to find the space beside him empty and the house devoid of my presence as I'd been unable to laze around in bed or mooch around the house. Places to be, things to do and all that. He must have felt so used.

I've always exercised, although I'm not particularly sporty. If I don't do so at least fairly regularly, that energy which would be expended is trapped in my body, causing my heart to race at times and a horrible anxious feeling for no particular reason at all.

The energy bursts forth from me in emotion. I can be over-excited easily. Plans will come to me and I'll feel my heart burst with excitement at the prospect of putting them into place. Oftentimes I'll need to be talked down from them because my blind excitement fails to see that they're not really all that feasible.

I cry easily, at the smallest slight or worry, or for other people's pain. There is not a sad film, television programme or advert that I won't shed tears for.  I'm quick to anger too, the energy exploding out of me. Always, once I've angered, the feelings of guilt overwhelm me and unable to hold on to that energy either, I'm quick to beg for forgiveness.

The thoughts running through my brain are fast, as are the words that come out of my mouth. They are so fast sometimes that I trip myself up, stutter or say the wrong thing. Often I'll say things without an appropriate filter because there is no moment's pause between the thought flashing in my brain and the words forming on my lips. I write like that too. There are very few posts on here that I haven't written in one sitting. I don't have the patience to wait, edit and then wait some more before I edit a final draft. Once the idea is in my head, I must get it out there and mistakes be damned.

Overall, energy is good and I'd rather have too much than too little. Sometimes though, it manifests itself in my body in negative ways. The excessive worrying and the racing heart are one example, and another is the tension in my muscles, particularly my neck and shoulders. Running my hands down my neck and across my shoulders I feel like a bag of knotted ropes. I've spoken to massage therapists before who have chided me to 'relax my shoulders' and I try, I really do but I just don't know what 'relaxed shoulders' should feel like. My default position is not relaxed.

Yesterday was a particularly bad day for the old neck and shoulder region. There was one knot in there which I imagined could probably be seen protruding from my skin. When pressed, or even when I moved slightly, it lit a fire through my whole back, up through my neck and to my head, resulting in a dull throbbing headache. I had a thought that it might be worthwhile to start seeing someone regularly who would be able to work these knots out for me, rather than Ryan and I amateurishly pressing on the knots while I yelp in pain.

And this is the crux of what this blog post is about - I realised that I had no inclination to pay for such a thing. I earn enough (well not right at this moment but let's glide past that) that this would be a reasonably affordable luxury but I'd rather not spend my money on this and yet, I've quite happily, without too much second thought, spent £75.00 on a dress for a Christmas night out.

I'm conflicted about this because I don't identify as a materialistic person. I tell myself that being happy and healthy are more important than collecting things. Still here I am, contradicting myself and choosing to spend my money on things rather than on something which might do my body good.

I wonder if it's because having something tangible to hold and look at makes the money spent seem more worthwhile? Perhaps it's the length of time that I'll keep that dress, so I can wear it time and again, getting more 'value' for money whereas I know that within a week or two the knots will have returned? Maybe it all comes down to value in the end but that is troubling because I wonder now if I value that which others can see more than I value my own self? I'm not quite sure. There's not really a nice, neat conclusion to this post but feel free to chip in with any thoughts.

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